Manners Maketh Man

This writing was stimulated by a person that was understandably annoyed when a stranger on a business call called them “buddy”.

Advice for a gentleman to only dance from the hips downwards. A trend for which Elvis Presley would be criticised 100 years later!

Origins of Manners Maketh Man

“Manners maketh man” is an ancient proverb with one of the early recordings of this being by William of Wykeham (1324-1404). William’s first description to be found describing him as a “chaplain” when he was appointed rector of Irstead in Norfolk. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that he was a Chaplain of Wykeham at Spalding prior to this, for this was often used as a tool to provide income to clergymen as a means of helping them along. However, other than his name there is no documentary evidence that I have found to confirm this. He became Bishop of Winchester and Chancellor of England and founded both Winchester College and New College Oxford. The proverb was considered his motto and was inscribed on the places of his founding.

This proverb was recorded subsequently by William Horman (1440-1535), headmaster at Eton and a teacher of Winchester school in his book known as “Vulgaria” that recorded many proverbs used in England.

Over the years there became variations of this proverb: “Manners and clothing makes man” by Sebastian Brant (c.1500) and “Meat feeds, cloth cleeds, but manners maketh man” sighted as a Scottish proverb by J. Kelly in 1721 and subsequently varied and used by Byron in his epic poem Don Juan. 

But, if manners maketh man, what real purpose do they achieve?

The Function of Manners

In my experience manners have increasingly been regarded as some as insincere, and by others as a weakness. This possibly shows a big misunderstanding of the function of  manners.

Good manners make a first impression: It is often the case whether socially or in business that first impressions count. In this way good manners can open  a door as much as bad manners can close one. It can get around barriers of appearance, class and bias as a means of encouraging further engagement.

The oil of social interaction: Good manners lubricate everyday interactions with simple waves, greetings and please and thank yous. This is done almost automatically by most people.

Preventing conflict: Perhaps the most common example is when you step out of someone’s way, obstruct them, bump into them and either or both of you immediately says, “sorry”.  Indeed, the general good manners and courtesy towards others prevents accidents as soon as we sit behind the wheel of a vehicle, although some see the steel cage around them as a means to alter their behaviour into impolite aggressive imbeciles.

Resolving disputes: Just stepping back from an argument to introduce a more polite tone can mean that both sides listen to each other and are able to come to a resolution.

Glue of society: Every society has to have a dominant culture, however, increasingly important are the many sub-cultures formed by various factors such as religion, nation of origin, class, race. Good manners, and understanding how these are interpreted and understood by others can be key to cutting through these differences to serve overlapping mutual interests.

But what about the insincerity of manners? Good manners are not in themselves insincere. In my view they are neutral, for even if they are not meant by the performer they do represent a desire to engage that can be built upon.

As for weakness – I have often used good manners when being abused or threatened for by refusing to change to the tone of the aggressor it prevents escalation. It is only rarely that this has been seen as a weakness but ultimately you have to be your own judge upon how you wish to behave even towards a bully.

Manners – a division of Class

“On entering a coffee-house, and sitting down, take off your hat; it is only a proper mark of respect to your own class, towards whom you should pay the same deference you exact from others.”[1]

The eighteenth and nineteenth Centuries saw the old order of class, land owning gentry, the English caste system of each person in his place according to birth, property, wealth and location being transformed in two significant ways: The migration of people from countryside to towns and cities; the social mobility of people from working classes to a growing middle class into upper class. These physical and social migrations were increasingly made possible by the agricultural and industrial revolutions.  Smallholders and yeoman in the countryside exploited new techniques of land management  and animal husbandry, bought land and expanded becoming wealthy self-made farmers from humble beginnings. More and more country folk from all backgrounds migrated to the towns and cities to exploit business and social advantages, or to be exploited. Similarly you see an increase of invention and entrepreneurship that sees a class of traders, inventors and industrialists becoming socially mobile. On the coat-tails of successful people you see many exploiting these changes either legitimately or as charlatans.  It is no accident that Debrett’s Peerage was first published in the eighteenth century as people wished to check on the provenance and backgrounds of the people they were engaging with. Shortly to follow this would be a series of books on etiquette. Like it or not the barriers between classes were lowering so the interaction between them was increasing, particularly driven by business.

Etiquette was about defining behaviour, or using behaviour to define, judge or even keep people in their place. In many ways it was a particular class barrier that sought to define manners and behaviour. It was also, in many ways City centric, or even London centric hence in 1836 we see the following in a book of etiquette:

“It would be absurd to suppose, those persons who constitute the upper ranks of the middle classes in London are ignorant of the regulations here laid down: but in the country (especially in the mercantile districts), where the tone of society is altogether lower, it is far otherwise, although country people may not feel inclined to acknowledge what is, nevertheless, strictly true.”

Thus we see a judgement of rural people (something I strongly believe remains today) combined with snobbery (a less obvious trait nowadays, although it still exists).

Thus you see massive judgements of character and class that are assumed by behaviour:

“If you are so unfortunate as to have contracted the low habit of smoking, be careful to practise it under certain restrictions; at least, so long as you are desirous of being considered fit for civilized society.”

“Smoking in the street…..is only practiced by shop boys.”

“snuff-taking is merely an idle, dirty habit, practiced by stupid people in the unavailing endeavour to clear their stolid intellect.”

“Well-bred people arrive as nearly at the appointed dinner hour as they can.”

“The fear of being thought vulgar often drives meritous people, who have risen by their own exertions, into the opposite extreme, and causes them to be superlatively delicate. Such persons are shocked at the sound of ‘breeches’, will substitute ‘inebriated’ for ‘very drunk’, and cannot be brought to allow there are such animals as ‘women’ in the world.”

Manners of food

“Brown sauce is common,” was the retort of the waitress at a café in Norfolk when I asked whether they had brown sauce that is forever etched in my memory from the 1980’s.

Manners of food are a landmine depending upon culture, nationality and background. However, it is possibly quite sad talking to a teaching assistant that many children start school having never used a knife and fork only being familiar with a spoon or a “training “ fork that is a halfway between a spoon and a fork. Indeed, many have never sat at a table to eat. In my childhood in Spalding this would have been quite rare. Housing was larger, dining rooms more common, and parents often had more time to teach kids.

I recall a family friend saying that in her childhood ( the late 1940’s early 50’s) her grandmother would not let her eat fish and chips in the street because, “ eating in the street is common.” Thus we see manners relating to food being used as a class distinction.

It was with great annoyance that my mother would see both her father and her father-in-law (my grandparents) use a knife to extract the very last morsel of food and gravy and convey it to their mouths on the knife. Indeed I recall them being given a wider and more flexible  knife to aid the efficiency of this task.  If I attempted to copy I was soon castigated. My nineteenth century book is equally critical:

“NEVER use your knife to convey your food to your mouth, under any circumstances; it is unnecessary, and glaringly vulgar. Feed yourself with a fork or spoon, nothing else, - a knife is only to be used for cutting.”

Of course peas are a particular hazard for do you harpoon them with the prongs of your fork, or turn the fork into a slatted spoon and scoop them into your mouth accepting that some will fall. Well, I had one family member who would impale peas on each prong and then, precariously, but successfully defy physics and place peas on the upturned back of the fork aided by the pea “stoppers” on each prong. The guidance from my book is clear,

“Eat PEAS with a dessert spoon; and curry also.”

Now when it comes to curry most of my family prefer a spoon but, thanks to Kellogs Cornflakes in the 1960’s I have a brilliant cross between a fork and a spoon that at that time was called a “splayds” although my son insists it is called a “spork”, I strongly disagree as I feel it is more sophisticated. My splayd  is a triangular spoon that tapers to a point with one slot that effectively creates two prongs. This means I can eat my curry with a certain middle class smugness.

My splayd

I bet there is barely a person of my age (born late 60’s) that has not been told “don’t slurp your soup”. However, I am amazed at the number of people that appear to be quite happy not to possess a soup spoon and make do with a dessert spoon  such is their lack of decorum.

Finally when referring to manners or food consider, “Making a noise in chewing or breathing hard in eating, are both unseemly habits, and ought to be eschewed.”

Or as one of my former teachers stated, “Laddy, close your mouth whilst eating as I have no desire to see and hear you masticate.” Thus there was much chortling by the teenage boys present as they transposed masticate to mastabate in their pubescent minds.

Know your place

“We hear much of the courtesy, urbanity , and condescension of the aristocracy, and those who, in all humility, bow down, will experience it; but woe to the unfortunate wight, who respects himself, who dares to assert his own opinions in contradiction to theirs! For an inferior in  rank to be superior in intellect abases them, and they will dislike him  for it accordingly.”

Sadly, this is true today, in class divisions, but also increasing educational ones. People judge by accent, clothing and background. This is natural, but what makes it worse that those people that discriminate the most usually view themselves as being the most accepting. Some of the wisest people I have met treat all with good manners and have the ability to make individuals feel their own importance, that is allow them to respect themselves. Especially in business, where I have witnessed people with this extraordinary skill of inclusive good manners, they are usually very successful.

Yet, especially in business people should consider their position and thus avoid “I’m not your buddy” or “don’t call me mate” situations of over-familiarity. This is not a matter of class divide but a matter of boundaries and earning respect and you command respect “in your own sphere”.  That skill of understanding boundaries and respect and when you can step through them is not always easily acquired.  We are in a world where it is justified to say, “We are just as good and respectable as your are.” This is a truism, but it does not automatically make you a companion or friend of the person you are dealing with and if you step through that portal of familiarity you risk having it slammed in your face.

Thus in those transactional relationships a skill of  of empathy and reading the person you are dealing with is needed as you need to be aware of how you make the other person feel. For when it comes to manners the one thing a person remembers is how you make them feel.

Perhaps that is the importance of good manners - its how you make others feel.

[1] Hints on Etiquette 1834